I recently facilitated a leadership class for first-responders using as a platform SEAL Jocko Willink’s book, Dichotomy of Leadership. The title of Chapter 4 is, “When to Mentor, When to Fire.” The chapter explains how a SEAL team leader had invested much time and training in a team member who just didn’t seem to have it in him to meet the SEAL standards. The substandard SEAL was starting to negatively affect the missions and the other team members felt that their team leader spent an inordinate amount of time with one person at the cost of team training. A decision had to be made about either continuing to invest in that one member or admit that he would not make it. Any responsible leader wants to see each member of his team make it. A true leader will always feel a sense of failure when a trainee does not make the cut. There is a time though when we need to cut our losses and move on. After all, SEAL philosophy holds that the needs of the team trump the needs of the individual. That point about the other team members feeling neglected at the cost of one member made me think about a family I know. They have several children and as with all big families, you get all sorts. Some of the children were easy to deal with while others were more difficult. This family had one in particular that could not flow with anything. There was always trouble. For this reason, the parents spent what seemed to the other children an inordinate amount of time with that one. The parents never knew it but recently as both parents and children, now grown adults, reminisced on old times, the children mentioned that they had been jealous of that one brother of theirs. They equated the extra time spent, albeit on disciplinary issues, as a preferential status. Of course, as opposed to SEAL team leaders, parents do not have the option of sending the problem child away, but the situation is not all that unsimilar. There is one thing though that is very similar in all ages. It is not an abundance of things or gifts, but time and personal attention that we equate with love.
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